4/1/13 – the afternoon

I’m fortunate; I have a job that affords me time to myself. So, on days like today when I arrived scattered and chilled so that not even my thermos of Tea. Earl Grey. Hot could help, I am able to really work things through. I had a part-time position as a radio dj all through last year which helped immensely, but I was a different person in a different place and needed that space for entirely other purposes. This space is all about self-discovery and healing.

After my kneejerk entry this morning, I remembered snippets of this paragraph that I had originally found at GPS for the Soul.

“The ego likes to keep our pain-body in place. It would like us to stay in ignorance and suffering, but that doesn’t mean we have to comply. If you notice old thought patterns and limiting beliefs come up, notice, but you don’t need to buy into them. I know for myself, I have to be constantly diligent at my mind’s gate because if one sneaky thought slips by, a few others are sure to follow.”

I reposted it on my Facebook page as a reminder that I do not have to have old reactions to news that feels like it did before.

I can’t really divulge too much but it all makes sense to me.

My meditations have taken a new direction. Just as beneficial and for me, more helpful, in coming to terms with a lot of stuff. Instead of simply sitting and finding peace, or using a mantra to still the mind, I have tried to be more accepting of my thoughts by using techniques to work through some old, limiting beliefs of the ego and their subsequent attached feelings. Once I was relaxed, which took a little longer today, and went within, I carried everything in with me. All the emotional crap that followed me to work like rusty cans on dirty string. I was able to see the thoughts, feel the knotted emotions, ask the questions and answer truthfully. And that’s the nasty nugget…getting down to the truth, and it’s the way to healing. By being honest. With yourself.

On my quest for an ounce of wisdom to help me see clearly, I also read this:

“Trust your wound to a teacher’s surgery.
Flies collect on a wound. They cover it,
those flies of your self-protecting feelings,
your love for what you think is yours.
Let a teacher wave away the flies
and put a plaster on the wound.
Don’t turn your head. Keep looking
at the bandaged wound. That’s where
the light enters you.
And don’t believe for a moment
that you’re healing yourself.”

Rumi

It’s a foreign concept. I’m 43 years old and been wounded many times but never have I considered breaking open the heart to help it to heal. You think, how can that be? Surely it would hurt more? But when you ruminate on it and consider the outcome, it actually does make sense. Years of pushing shit down, or stuffing it in a box or when I thought I was being healthy by crying and writing (which is still very helpful), it actually wasn’t enough. Because ultimately I still did not acknowledge it. I didn’t take the time to feel fully, with a depth necessary to be able to live with it and allow it to be.

I spent some time doing just this earlier and it’s a small step toward acquiring more knowledge and truth. I still have a small lump of something in my solar plexus but it’s nowhere near as obnoxious as it was this morning. I know that I am not what I think and feel; I am much more than that. My ego has a lot more hiding up its sleeve but I can overcome it. Slowly, slowly catchee monkey.

Lisa…

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