In the grand scheme of things, my journey of discovery has been a fairly short one; I didn’t begin to meditate until November last year. Last year was a particularly emotional year. My family has had several rough years with the loss of three businesses, our home, a couple of moves and switching schools but on a personal level, my life last year was like a pinball machine and I was the ball.
There’s a rock in my third Chakra today and it is sitting heavy. I am reminded that some of the valleys I had experienced last year are still there, that I am still capable of falling into them. I desperately want to find my spiritual backhoe and fill them in, flatten them out. I thought I had done a good enough job. I don’t know what I want today. Do I want to meditate? Do I want to read my book and gain insight? I’ve read my daily dose of mindful blogs and reached for solace there but I’m unsettled and unnerved.
And angry at myself.
I suppose in some way this is progress given that last year when I was in this frame of mind and body, I surrendered to it and it was awful. It’s unpleasant today but at least I’m aware of my thoughts and how they are making me feel. I’m working hard to untangle myself so that I can observe yet this is too close and separation is proving to be difficult.