If it’s handed to you

Welly well well…doesn’t life take a sharp turn sometimes?  You’re like, “Whoa!  Where the hell am I and how the hell did I get here?”  You consider turning around but the wall has closed behind you like a Star Trek: TNG holodeck.

It’s not really a bad place to be, it’s just heavier and more than you thought it would be and are accustomed to.  And, it’s completely new to boot.

I’m used to being onstage you see, or perhaps in front (the one stint as Director was fun but not altogether taxing) and on the odd occasion in front of the camera.  But I have never been behind the camera.  Until now.

My title as Assistant Direcjuggler300tor on a short film involves much brainstorming and idea-making with the Director.  It’s probably a misconception about myself to think that I have nothing to offer, nothing of creative validity that would be useful.  It turns out that I actually do.  My brain works in just the right way and is geared toward this field so I have been able to let fly with some visions that magically pop up and which feed into another and another.

That said, when I’m called to a meeting with Director of Photography and Production Designer, I feel a little like an impostor.  Like a nervous juggler with a confident veneer surrounded by seasoned performers who need no falsity because their experience is plain for all to see.  I won’t give up, not only on moral grounds (having accepted the challenge and am in too deep to even think of dropping it all and walking away), but also because I know I can see this through to the end and be good at it.  I want to succeed.

Also, if we can pull this off (there are a lot of challenges) it’ll be a pretty cool film.

I have missed writing.  At times during the last couple of days, I think ahead to the last day of filming and relish the thought of putting thought to paper once again.  In the meantime, it’s back to production boards, excel spreadsheets of script breakdowns by every.possible.little.thing and gearing up for the first day of shooting.


2 thoughts on “If it’s handed to you

  1. Well captured – that impostor feeling. I’ve gone through some of this lately – I’ve been learning to quiet the mind and forget myself, just be there, in the midst of the creative activity which allows that flow from one thing to another to another. when i think of myself as there, it dries up. So excited for you and this experience!

    • It’s true. When I become aware of my presence around these people, an awkwardness overcomes me, I feel angular. I will take a leaf out of your book and quiet the mind. I’ve missed just being lately too.

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