Some mornings after the kids have gone their way and I am in the car to work, I think that I need to find a quote or an affirmation for my day. Much like holding tightly to a balloon string, I hope that it will keep me steady and aloft during what could be a turbulent day or one that is slightly off-kilter.
I forget often that I am my own balloon and string. Sure, the words I would eventually find might offer solace and comfort or be a momentary guide but essentially, I am the only one who can glide above the crap.
Having said that, some things I have read have stuck and are helpful. One phrase (which I shall paraphrase because the exact wordage has faded) goes along the lines of “Whatever knocks at the door of your soul, be it anger, fear, disappointment, happiness, joy, whatever…open the door and welcome it. Whatever it is will not stay but while it is there, be a most welcome and gracious host.” I take it to mean that it is up to me to observe and feel and to avoid being carried away by undercurrent to a place where I am no longer in control.
I’m not quite sure why I feel a faded shade of blue today. It’s possible in part to my son’s expected reaction to starting a new school and subsequent sickness on day two. It’s also possible in part to the attachment I have to my car which will be an unattachment very soon, I discovered yesterday.
It’s silly to feel the sting of an impending cheerio for an inanimate object but my car has many memories attached to it. Since I got her in 2010, I have run the gamut of situations and emotions. She has been there for me through every time capsule of anger, guilt, rage, fear, love, passion, wonder, confusion, worry, joy, hope. Like a soothing blue angel, she wrapped herself around me, comforted me and allowed me room to express. She opened up and gave me space to be lifted when I felt at my most happy. To feel this strongly is trivial and natural at the same time and I will miss her for a while when she is gone.
Also, I am, as the English part of me would say, gutted, that I may be unable to accept a sudden opportunity. This, due to the new Autumn schedule for our kids. On one hand, I am delighted that we are finally able fund extra-curricular activities and yet the timing puts a crimp on my own loves. And so, a feeling of ambiguity has stepped across my threshold and I am breathing deeply to allow it room.
How fickle the human nature. How wondrous. To be able to feel happy and lithe only to tumble down to feel the opposite. Up and down we go, and around and around.
All the while I continue to learn and grow. I open the door every day to whatever is knocking. Some days the balloon stands no chance against my guest and I do get swept up. For some time there is no way for my feet to touch the floor but I am so grateful when they finally do, because they always do…eventually.
And there I am again, at my front door, holding my own balloon and string, taking a deep breath.