Fighting the good fight

battle_scars_by_avengedjusty-d4o4qtv External forces create internal rife and the war rages inside between what is right and what is wanted.  It seems to go on for far too long, like most wars, with individual battles won or lost. I thought that in this particular war, the right was winning.  Hard fought, but winning nonetheless.  However, like the twist in a tale or the flick of the hand of fate, the opposition jerked around and pulled me into the foray as I was leaving the field.

And I am tired of this fight.  Truly, I want to just throw a damp towel on it to douse the flames, turn off the light, close the kitchen door and pack off to somewhere infinitely more steady and calm.  What is there left to learn?  I believed I was living with the questions just fine.  Why does it insist on reigniting?

Perhaps it’s simply another downturn along the journey.  A dusty, hillside trail strewn with initialed stones, stones with phrases, words, places, names that I kick angrily over the edge and which magically reappear further down the path.  I have felt foolish and childish, angry and scornful.  These feelings are not me, I know that; they are insidious scabs that I keep picking at instead of allowing them heal to the scars they need become.

So, a little downtime was necessary, a snapshot of time to lick the old wounds.  But the war, I find, still goes around and around.

Meditation is necessary and I absolutely have to find the time to practice.  Searching for more truths. Investigation and discovery.  Honesty with the self.

But, I am so tired.

Surrender, I have just thought.  What would happen if I simply surrendered?  Fine…..Wanting wins the battle but when the hungry beast finds that there is nothing left, that what it wanted is no longer available, what happens then?  When the truth is completely and utterly accepted, will it fade away?  And quite how I surrender is a mystery to me.  I have written of acceptance in the past, of reliving and releasing and I had thought to be successful in doing so.  This feels like the final desperate grip of a creature who has absolutely nothing else when in fact, the opposite is so very true.

We have everything and in everything, all we need.

Stop the madness.  Stop the fighting.  Allow me to pry your taut, withered fingers from the past.

Everything will be fine and then some.

4/1/13 – the afternoon

I’m fortunate; I have a job that affords me time to myself. So, on days like today when I arrived scattered and chilled so that not even my thermos of Tea. Earl Grey. Hot could help, I am able to really work things through. I had a part-time position as a radio dj all through last year which helped immensely, but I was a different person in a different place and needed that space for entirely other purposes. This space is all about self-discovery and healing.

After my kneejerk entry this morning, I remembered snippets of this paragraph that I had originally found at GPS for the Soul.

“The ego likes to keep our pain-body in place. It would like us to stay in ignorance and suffering, but that doesn’t mean we have to comply. If you notice old thought patterns and limiting beliefs come up, notice, but you don’t need to buy into them. I know for myself, I have to be constantly diligent at my mind’s gate because if one sneaky thought slips by, a few others are sure to follow.”

I reposted it on my Facebook page as a reminder that I do not have to have old reactions to news that feels like it did before.

I can’t really divulge too much but it all makes sense to me.

My meditations have taken a new direction. Just as beneficial and for me, more helpful, in coming to terms with a lot of stuff. Instead of simply sitting and finding peace, or using a mantra to still the mind, I have tried to be more accepting of my thoughts by using techniques to work through some old, limiting beliefs of the ego and their subsequent attached feelings. Once I was relaxed, which took a little longer today, and went within, I carried everything in with me. All the emotional crap that followed me to work like rusty cans on dirty string. I was able to see the thoughts, feel the knotted emotions, ask the questions and answer truthfully. And that’s the nasty nugget…getting down to the truth, and it’s the way to healing. By being honest. With yourself.

On my quest for an ounce of wisdom to help me see clearly, I also read this:

“Trust your wound to a teacher’s surgery.
Flies collect on a wound. They cover it,
those flies of your self-protecting feelings,
your love for what you think is yours.
Let a teacher wave away the flies
and put a plaster on the wound.
Don’t turn your head. Keep looking
at the bandaged wound. That’s where
the light enters you.
And don’t believe for a moment
that you’re healing yourself.”


It’s a foreign concept. I’m 43 years old and been wounded many times but never have I considered breaking open the heart to help it to heal. You think, how can that be? Surely it would hurt more? But when you ruminate on it and consider the outcome, it actually does make sense. Years of pushing shit down, or stuffing it in a box or when I thought I was being healthy by crying and writing (which is still very helpful), it actually wasn’t enough. Because ultimately I still did not acknowledge it. I didn’t take the time to feel fully, with a depth necessary to be able to live with it and allow it to be.

I spent some time doing just this earlier and it’s a small step toward acquiring more knowledge and truth. I still have a small lump of something in my solar plexus but it’s nowhere near as obnoxious as it was this morning. I know that I am not what I think and feel; I am much more than that. My ego has a lot more hiding up its sleeve but I can overcome it. Slowly, slowly catchee monkey.


Thoughts from the Monkey Mind


I would love to give credit to whoever created this artwork but I’m unable to locate the artist. It’s perfect though in providing a graphic description of what goes on in most of our heads. Every day, we generate anywhere from 12,000 – 50,000 thoughts a day. That’s an incredible amount. Can you imagine if we acted on every single thought that chugged through? My mind is imploding just thinking of the chaos.

In the past, I have put myself through the emotional wringer…


“Oh hey, that looks like fun, never done that before, let’s give it a whirl!”

One thought led to another and the things I wanted were manifested. But, they weren’t well thought out thoughts; I absolutely did not weigh in with consequences and I ended up feeling like this:


This article was my a-ha moment for today. I say “for today” because I understand about choices and the like. It’s just that some days, spiritual oneness and peace seem further out of reach. It’s a lengthy read but I took this little nugget:

“We make a thousand choices a day, each one a bargain in which the brain weighs expected benefits against expected costs. Therefore, it’s important to make good bargains, good choices, in which the real benefits are greater than the real costs.”

…and snapped to attention immediately.

So, what I had thought would feel wonderful and good, i.e., what I pulled out from the bargain rack ended up costing me more than I thought and ultimately, I was left feeling awful after putting myself though the emotional wringer. Undoubtedly, it affected other people too.

I’ve felt a little wobbly thought-wise the last couple of days. I knew it vaguely as I went about my days: driving, eating dinner, interacting with my family, writing, whatever…I knew it. I tried to control my thoughts with affirmations and repeated phrases but they built like a crescendo. Not to the point where I grabbed something off the bargain rack in an unrestrained fit of desire, nor was I reduced to anything emotional.

But if they persisted, I could be tempted to veer off my soulful path.

That happens a lot. Let’s face it, I’ve only been meditating regularly for four months so I’m still seeking my truth. I have had to guide myself back from whatever thorny mess that I’ve wandered into a number of times.

Those thoughts were most apparent during meditation; the incessant chattering of those stupid monkeys! It was work, let me tell you, to ask to be brought back to my mantra time and again. Persistence paid off though and I am able to smile at the process. Today I felt that sought-after glimpse of clarity and deep, deep gratitude. That one brief, shiny moment was worth fending off some of that off-the-wall shit those monkeys threw.

I never used to be the kind of person to think things through and I’m still really not. I’m impetuous and I dash headlong into things. But when it comes to the important stuff that matters to me and to those closest to me, I truly do know that the more I learn, the more I read and the more I meditate, the better I feel about the thoughts that come and go.

And the better I will become at plucking and running with the ones that have wonderful outcomes.