The Middle Ground

Today, I have a sense of being okay with the now; being at peace with what is.

I am not the weight I want to be but I’m finally feeling the fire in my belly, and more able to resist stuffing my face with m&m’s all day long.

I am not sure in which direction my marriage is headed (although it feels more positive and healthy than it has in a long time) and I’m okay with it being where it is.  It is a work in progress.  Unlike the entity it was prior when it was just work.

I am in limbo with my soul.  Not stalled in my exploration, but rather floating on a sea of tranquility.  A real sense of now.  Here. This moment.  And this moment.  Peace.  Calm.

I’ve been on wp for four years; quite prolific for the first two but dropped off considerably after that.  When I return to occasionally purge, there are a few sites I gravitate toward and Val Boyko is one of them.  The very name of her page Find Your Middle Ground feels exactly where I am.

I like it.  No pressure.  Just being.

Happy.

 

 

 

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Miss the Bliss

I lay on our bed last night, listening to the water run in the shower while my daughter allegedly washed herself.  The evening sun grew stronger through the branches of the tree across the street and I desperately searched for a sign in it.  Such a wrenching in my heart for the loss of self.  Have I really gone so far backward that I can’t find my way forward?  How does a person lose faith in oneself?  What is there to cling to when you have given up the light?  Some people have Jesus, some people have God, some kind of figure to hang their hat on.  But what do you do if the figure is yourself and somehow, some way, you’ve misplaced it and trying to find it seems an impossible task?  You think, well, when this gets sorted out I’ll feel better and that will help.  I’ll feel happier and so rediscovering it will be much easier.  But you know that true happiness doesn’t lie in a signed lease or a full pantry.  It comes from within.  You have known that.  You have felt it.  You have felt the overwhelming gratitude; the joy which overflows from your heart that you shine on everyone you meet.  You have known bliss.

I miss my bliss.  I wept for my bliss watching the sun.  I took two pictures because the loudest voice in my head said I should use one for this entry today.  But I knew I wanted to capture the moment somehow, keep it locked so that perhaps one day soon, I could reopen it and find what I was looking for.

Simply complex

I’m new to the world of blogging and with this mindframe, new to the world at large . When I began writing in January, I didn’t like the term ‘blog’ and playfully referred to my posts as ‘snargles.’ I do like that word still; it’s cute without being froofy. At times though I acquiesce and admit that there’s nothing really wrong with the word blog, even if it does sound stodgy. It’s just a word. And words is apparently what I do. So, blog is fine and so is snargle.

Recently, a very dear friend referred to me as complex. Hmm… Moi? Complex? I’ve been the recipient of many adjectives over the years; some lovely and some not so, but I’ve never been thought of as complex. Or maybe I have, they just didn’t tell me. I know that I had never considered myself in that way. Complex infers many layers, many angles, ups, downs, sides and corners, everything about being human. I guess I am, as we all are, filled with these things that make us up. Love stories, war stories, birth stories, work stories, life stories, growing up, falling down, people, past, present, all of the ever ongoing compendium of our lives. Everything we have ever experienced is stamped on us somewhere. Stamped and covered up with the next experience like a stack of papers receiving the necessary signature…paper, stamp, paper, stamp, paper…

How different we can be! Just like everyone else, I have made mistakes, tumbled blindly, scraped and bowed, suffered consequences. I have judged and made remarks. I have taken sides and generally, not been a nice person. Now I am grown. I have learned. I think it is true that the soul, the essential light in a person is just always there, it has no need to grow and learn, for it knows everything already. It’s whole and as pure and perfect as it can possibly be. Really it is our “humanness” that must learn and evolve around it.

Eventually, hopefully, most of us come to understand what needs to happen to the human part of us, that rushing, whirling, often out of control side. It has to sort of merge with the soul. When that happens it’s calm, it’s bliss, it’s serene. Some people out there, such as the gurus like Mooji, Deepak, Eckhart, I’m sure have their fraught moments, nobody is that perfect. But I have no doubt that the majority of the time in their body in this life could be likened to walking very slowly through thigh high water on a warm, sunny day; effortless, smooth, wonderful.

My journey is new and so I have fleeting glimpses of such serenity but even so, on the whole and in every day life I feel more calm than complex. Yet perhaps it’s the complexity that makes things so simple, in that I’m more concerned with the light in my heart than the daily goings on of the mind. I can peel back my layers of stamped pages and see everything I’ve ever done, said, been, had, looked at, thought about, cried over, laughed at…the whole lot of it and truly know that although it makes up me as my human self, the Lisa, I am not her really, I am not those things, I am simply Love. I am Light.

That’s not to say that I am not looking forward to stamping more pages in the book of this life. I am, very much so. Simply, I will try not to live it as that human person scattering her eggs every which way. Instead, I will opt for the soulful, simply complex light waiting patiently for the human side to complete its fit, accepting all the experiences, old, new and present with loving arms.

Mind you, I’m under no illusion that I’ll be all Galadriel. More like…Patsy Stone. Minus the ciggies and Bollinger, of course.

thank you