What courage have I? In the moment, it is simply a thing I have to do. Tired of picking up pieces; the result of others’ choices, I made my own, and scattered my marriage, my life and his life to all points and corners.
I had envisioned months and months of civil side-by-side living while I cultivated the desire to live away from him. I was shut down, closed off, impenetrable, had made my decision and dammit, I’d had enough. I loved my children but I did not love my husband anymore. Even the little, familiar things we shared seemed inconsequential and did not affect my ambition.
Six weeks later, I find myself rummaging for all the pieces. Slowly, deliberately, even perhaps letting them come find me for repair. As in Kintsugi, we are reconstructing in new ways. Our marriage from before is dead; exploded, and the new one is beginning to look much different.
With this slow repair though, comes a devil on my shoulder. The doubter, nagger, and all around pessimist. She is obstinate and doesn’t want to move forward. She is petulant and refuses to show any kind of affection. She throws emotional grenades that make me break down in counseling sessions. But what she fails to realize is that her work aids progress; she is part of the yin and yang of me. However, she’s been the larger of the two for a long time and she’s not keen on sharing power.
So, I am struggling with conflict. The desire to move forward and to not.
These are interesting times. I see my husband in a new light but I don’t yet know who I am, or who I am in this relationship. It’s a new thing, but not. It’s not like a new relationship that’s thrilling and butterfly-inducing; it has a history.
So, I work on myself. Or sit with myself. Do nothing. Think nothing. Feel nothing. Other times, I do, think and feel it all at once. It’s still choppy waters.
But that devil…..boy, she’s had her way for so long. I mustn’t fight her, but allowing her just to be makes my life quite challenging.