Life evolving

I’ve been sick this week, and had stayed home for two days, pretty much reclined on the couch with tissues, liquids, tv shows, and furry kitty.  My husband was home sick too; a rare occurrence by itself, but the two of us down?  Unheard of.

As long as I can recall, if I am ever sick enough to be home, I will reach a point of utter despair when all I can do is weep.  I would slide into a well of weakness, feeling pathetic; self-judgmental, really just the lowest I could ever feel about myself. It wouldn’t matter if I was home alone or had company, sooner or later, it would hit me.

On the second day this week, I realized that I hadn’t cried.  At that point, I was still feeling shitty but over the worst, so was a little surprised.  I attempted to evoke pitiful feelings but they just wouldn’t materialize.  This has always been one of my traits and yet, it appeared to no longer be of use to me.

Life, when allowed to evolve on its own is a beautiful thing, the realization struck last night whilst driving to pick up a friend.  Perhaps the reason I didn’t feel like crying was because I’d given myself permission to be empowered, to make a choice, to take control of my own life.  That being sick was just that; a period of time when the body is fighting invaders and nothing more.

It may seem like a small thing; to feel no need to cry when sick but it’s a step, and that’s what evolving is, right?…steps toward change?  For a few moments yesterday, I felt in such a positive place.  I knew with clarity that life can’t be forced.  I have set things in motion, I have dealt my hand and now I am witnessing my life blossom, apparently without my even knowing.




Bon Nuit


~Because I could not stop for death

He kindly stopped for me

The carriage held but just Ourselves

And Immortality~

…Emily Dickinson


Heavy-hearted today from the news of the death of an old friend.  He and I had a relationship many years ago that was tumultuous, intoxicating, magnetic; I was young, and stumbling down my own path with blinkers on. He was along for the ride, holding on as best he could. It ended badly. The demise of that relationship coupled with financial and career problems prompted me to make the biggest move of my life, that to start afresh in America.

However, thanks to social media, the passage of time, and hindsight, we were able to find a good footing with each other. All that had happened was well and truly past, and as with such pasts, we came to understand somewhat the reasons for things, we found some answers to those long-forgotten questions. We had gotten on with our lives and had turned out just fine and were so very happy to be reacquainted again as welcome old friends.

He passed last night after a few years battling illness. It actually seemed positive for a while, after various forms of treatment seemed to have done the job. But I guess when the spirit knows its time, when all human avenues have come to a cul-de-sac, death will not be stopped.

We shared our last conversation two weeks ago in which he wanted me to know how happy he was to have been a part of my life. That I had a loving husband and family. I told him to come see me on his way out.  He said he would.  Today I find myself scrabbling to remember dream messages or waking messages from yesterday…but I find none.

I am certain that there is more to the Universe than life on this planet. My friend is a wonderfully warm ball of love and light, a collection of all he has amassed from his time here and he is taking all he has learned to his next life, wherever and whenever that may be.

I weep for him today. As does his family, and so many friends around the world.

It’s never goodbye or resting.

It’s simply Goodnight, my friend Ken.