Slowing down outside the comfort zone

kb_Parkes_Michael-The_Juggler_1981Sometimes an opportunity comes your way that from first glance, appears to be a forced hand. You feel as if you have no other option but to take it; staying in the current situation would be far worse in the long run. So, you grab the hand that’s offered and fly with it.

Some time passes in this new realm and you are actually rather enjoying it. You are challenged every day to think differently, to work differently, and to behave differently. You are learning and doing things that you thought were far beyond your capabilities. In fact, for much of your adult life, you laughed at the prospect of doing just this kind of work because you believed yourself not to be intelligent enough in the field.

You spent all of your life maybe, preparing for this sharp turn along your journey. Perhaps a lifetime of rushing headlong, of acting first and thinking later, of jumping without looking just wore a soul out and now it’s ready to take its time. Certainly, this new direction calls for thinking things through. It might take a little time to get used to but you are fortunate to have the support of some really great people who had the foresight to find the person who would fit, rather than the person with the qualifications.

The only downside is the lack of time for the creative side; writing and theatre have to take a backseat. When you ponder that, you’re not as disappointed as you thought you would be. Well, perhaps a little melancholy because you have so many efforts sitting out there waiting for more words to be added. You believe there will be time in the future to revisit but for now, you are content with everything in your life. You are fine and settled and just right with your world and everyone in it.

Time to cruise outside the comfort zone.

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Fortunate.

This blog was forged at the beginning of the year; it began lightly, dancing over a veneer, oblivious of its purpose beneath. I remember at the start trying to be witty; ad-libbing funny in a thought out manner, writing about me, me, me. It felt narcissistic and full of ego and I don’t mind saying that although I enjoyed the act of writing, of sharing, it felt awkward and sometimes embarrassing; the attention-seeking sense of it all.

It is known now that this was not created by the part of me that is offered to the world; the funny, make-em-laugh girl with an easy smile and helpful manner. I know because it has become something much deeper, as if the words themselves have carved away the inside of me allowing spaciousness for soul, allowing room for spiritual growth and development.

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Journey. I love that word –  an odyssey, a quest, progress, adventure. Life is this journey. The goal is clear in that eventually we will leave our bodies, and since this is already figured out for us, shouldn’t we make the most of our journey? We have no idea of the length of time, or what the surface will be like along the way. It’s wild and woolly sometimes, heartbreaking and filled with sorrow. Other times it’s so joyous we could burst, sometimes simply quiet and comforting.

This place here has become a proving ground, a learning ground, a welcoming hollow to write about the highs and lows. All the valleys with their dark undergrowth that seemed to go on forever, and through which I stumbled, weeping and blind. The peaks that looked out onto sunny skies. Over there, the roller coaster rides that rocked and stunned. All around, moments, people, situations…life. 

I am fortunate to  have this place, these pages, and as this year closes I acknowledge the time I have spent digging down to truth, making way for self.

I tip my hat to my friends who read. I hope I have helped or maybe *pinches thumb and forefinger together* inspired a tiny bit.

A lesson I have read many times, but only recently truly taken to heart is sitting with emotion. Thanks to Tara Brach by way of this lovely group, I am learning this: Whatever comes up, and whenever it comes up – take pause. Breathe into the feeling, allow yourself to feel it, give it room, acknowledge its presence, and it will pass. By doing this, a wiser choice can be made.

I hope to practice this during the coming year, and all the ones beyond.

Merry Christmas!

On becoming more like a donkey

I can’t say specifically what caused this feeling of the upsweeping to come over me. Not that I’ve been truly on the downturn. Well, perhaps a few weeks ago for a day or so but not for any length of time. Perhaps it was a plateau I had been on, yes that must have been it. Perhaps for two weeks I stood on the plateau taking in my surroundings; looking behind, which I know does no good (there are a bajillion affirmations telling me so after all) but sometimes I do like to remember, to reflect, be a bit wistful. As long as I don’t ‘go down the rabbit hole’ as a dear friend said recently. Of course, going forward is the only other option. And what a vista before me; a slope that beckons to be ambled up. For, as I am constantly learning, these steps in life are to be ambled and bimbled. Tripping ahead, dashing forward would mean missing out on all the things.

And so I find myself forsaking, but not unfeeling the forlorn to bring on the new. New season, my favorite season. New plans in place to run in harmony with what I feed my body. With that point of view comes positivism and a renewed sense of calm from more time spent on the cushion. Financial niggles still…niggle, but I trust that things will work out okay (barring unforeseen circumstances).

Creativity stirs. I know myself in this area fairly well and judging by the number of great starts, I have been collecting an awful lot of sand. I write as my personality dictates; rushing out of the gate like a thoroughbred horse. Except, I haven’t been trained very well and I live on a diet of ice cream and cakes (no, I don’t really but you get the gist). I gallop with gusto for the first quarter mile but shortly thereafter, slow down until I am found, out of breath, out of energy and out of ideas. So perhaps (I consciously say) you take this little kernel of an idea and really really try to write a little each day. Really, really take it slowly. Allow things to grow. Allow characters to take shape. Nurture the storyline.

I’ve been here before and I feel a little like the boy who cried wolf. What makes this point in the journey so different? Why should I believe me? Who’s to say that by this time next week, my little kernel won’t have popped into an old maid, forced to find space on an already crowded shelf?

Like I said, I can’t say specifically, but between this:

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and what E. L. Doctorow said, “It’s like driving a car at night. You never see further than your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.”

…I am coming into awareness that this is one facet of my life that must be slowed down. Only then can I get done what I want done.

Not so much the thoroughbred horse on a sweet diet, more like a donkey with a bag of hay.

And, here I am, laughing at so much the last few days:

SI Exif

Bird on a car

Well.  Here I am in a much better frame of mind.  The pendulum began to swing back up after a very low month or so and needed one extra push which led me to my crystal/reiki lady at Penns Place.  I visit every couple of months to lay on her massage table with the appropriate stones linked by string, placed on my main chakras.  We meditate for a few minutes and then she performs reiki on me.  It’s one of the things I love to do…it’s only the third time I’ve had it done but it’s essential; it restores my wellbeing and I feel energized and happy.  Sometimes extraordinary things happen too.  When she places her hands over my Third Eye, the internal vision blossoms a dark blue or indigo, it’s amazing.  At other times as she is working her way down my body, I can feel myself lying straight but also crooked and jutting out on either side at the same time.  It’s sort of like Jodie Foster’s character in Contact when she’s strapped to the chair in the machine.  At times, she is separated from her own self – it feels like that.  Last Saturday when I visited, I had vivid vignettes; fast, colorful and with no discernible meaning.  I wasn’t sleeping yet I couldn’t remember them when I sat up.

Our living situation hasn’t changed.  We are 12 days away from our final day at this house and still have no place to go.  Currently, we are waiting for an answer on a lovely house we found less than a mile from the one we are in.  It has a huge back garden with a treehouse sort of thing and when I drove by it a few days ago, I couldn’t help but take a sharp breath in and think “I want to live here”.  It’s in a cul-de-sac and would also mean no hassles with schooling for the kids.  We are hoping the agent will approve a co-sign.  We wait and we hope.  In the meantime, per our realtor’s instructions, we keep searching just in case and I’m taking the kids to see another house this evening.  Not close by.

Last week on the way to work, the radio was on but I wasn’t really listening, just sort of looking at things and vaguely wondering things.  One random thought was the question of birds and cars.  Specifically, do birds alight on cars when the cars are stopped?  And if so, why have I never seen it happen?  It went unanswered obviously and I thought nothing of it until yesterday when I pulled out of work to the traffic light.  Right in front of me, a bird with wings and legs outstretched attempted to land on the roof of the car in front.  The light changed and the car moved, thwarting his efforts but he appeared to follow it a few feet before veering off in front of me.  I chuckled, slightly amazed that my question had just been answered.

And that brought me to my thoughts about Angels.  I do believe in spirit guides but angels were a gray area until I started this biscuit journey of mine. I ran across an entry on WP about numerology a few months ago and since then, it’s been darting to and from the forefront of my consciousness.  So much so, that I have a page on my Google Chrome app permanently set to Doreen Virtue’s Angel numbers.  I’m not that au fait with it all but I do notice, mostly on license plates, the triple digits.  I saw 333 twice yesterday.  I saw 555 the day before which I never see.  I also see 444 a lot.  It’s a step too far for my husband so I don’t share with him as much.  In fact, this is the first time that I’ve admitted to dabbling a squidge in numerology.

Given the way my path has been lately, I’ll grab those numbers and run with them to help build up my faith because the empty, hollow, faithless feeling I’ve had recently, although is part and parcel of this journey, is not a place I want to be in again anytime soon.

Lisa…